


I Am Alex Standall

by creatureofhobbit



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-23 22:11:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14942283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creatureofhobbit/pseuds/creatureofhobbit
Summary: Once Alex does remember, he wishes he didn't. But Zach and Justin help him feel better about himself.





	I Am Alex Standall

He looks at photos from a year ago: himself, Justin, Bryce, Monty and Zach clowning around at some party. He should know whose party that was, should remember what was so funny. Instead, Alex looks at them as though he is looking at pictures of someone else entirely.

He reads his social media posts from the year before. There’s something about the stupid list he made rating all the girls in their class, all that stuff about best ass. Monty’s commented on the post saying it was hilarious and congratulating Alex on starting it. Alex kind of remembers that, that feeling that the popular guys had finally accepted him instead of tolerating him as the annoying little shit who was always just there because for whatever reason Zach and Justin had taken a liking to him. But he can’t remember now why he cared about something so shallow.

He actually found a copy of that list a few days ago while looking for something else, sees Hannah’s name written in his own handwriting yet looking unfamiliar. Skye Miller’s on there too, that girl who’s been dating Clay, and Alex can’t remember ever having spoken to her. Did she even know she was on there? Alex can’t remember, and isn’t sure he wants to know. 

He carries on reading. “Surprise quiz in chemistry. Know I fucked up. #FMLForever”. He remembers saying that; remembers his meetings every day with Jessica and Hannah, remembers how that had become their catchphrase every time something happened. But Alex can’t remember now what it felt like to be worried or upset over something as trivial as a failed surprise quiz. Not any more.

 

He looks at the pictures Tyler had taken of him when he was in his coma. Zach had told Tyler at his party that he thought taking those pictures was sick and Tyler shouldn’t have done it, but Alex looks at them as though they can provide him with…well, some kind of answer, although he doesn’t know what that would be.

Apparently in those early days when he was starting to wake up, which he doesn’t remember at all, he’d called out Hannah’s name. But he’s also been told he called out names like Zach, Justin, Monty, Jessica, kids from his previous school, and something to do with Desert Dawn, so he’s not sure how much he should read into that. But was there something, even back then, something trying to push its way back into his consciousness, some memory from back then?

Looking at the photos, of the state of him back then, Alex isn’t sure. They don’t tell him anything, don’t provide the answers he had hoped for by seeing them.

 

And he looks at himself in the mirror now, hole in his head, needing to walk with a cane, looking like a shadow of the Alex Standall in the photographs from last year. He looks at his old photos, at the note with the mention of how he could have stopped it, and he doesn’t understand, and the old photos have no answers for him either. He listens to the recordings of the tapes that Clay sent him, hears about things he apparently did that he can’t remember, and almost chokes on the frustration of still being so far from understanding. He looks at himself, trying to see any traces of the Alex he used to be, and he wonders whether he will ever be that person again.

 

 

He’d thought all he wanted was for those missing pieces of his memory to return, to understand what he’d said in the note. “I could have stopped it.” What did that mean? Was it just a reference to the list, or was it something more sinister? 

But now Alex does understand, he wishes he didn’t.

Why hadn’t he just got up and looked out of the window, instead of taking Monty’s word for what they had heard? “Just Bryce and some girl in the hot tub.” He remembered thinking at the time that he didn’t want to watch that, that if he wanted to watch people having sex he’d find some porn to watch, he didn’t need Walker giving him a live show. He hadn’t thought anything more of it at the time, had forgotten all about it until the day he listened to Tape 12 and made the connection that Hannah was the girl in the hot tub, that she was talking about that same night and what was going on was nothing like the way Monty had made it sound.

He remembered it all now, remembered listening to the tape and making the connection, realising that if he had just got up and taken a look himself instead of relying on what Monty had said, there would have been an opportunity for him to try and stop Bryce, maybe to save Hannah. He couldn’t see how Monty could have misinterpreted the situation; not from Hannah’s graphic description on the tape. And that asshole had just turned his back and let it happen. Alex imagined an alternative way it could have gone: him seeing what happened for himself, going out there and stopping Bryce. So what if the guy was twice his size and could probably flatten him with one punch? He would have had to try. Maybe Hannah would still be here now; maybe they could have even patched up their old friendship, spending their days in Monet’s laughing about their old catchphrase, FML Forever.

Zach and Justin have tried to say they don’t blame Alex, that they understand. Zach said that most people wouldn’t have particularly wanted to watch any of their classmates having sex, and a lot of people wouldn’t have gotten up to take a closer look. And Justin had pointed out that he had known exactly what Bryce had done to Jessica, that there had been a moment where he could have stopped it too, could have gone barging in there, pulled Bryce off of her, hit him over the head, anything. Instead he’d stayed cowering outside, worrying about such stupid things as losing Bryce’s friendship, losing his status at Liberty High. How could he blame Alex when he had done worse himself?

“So you’re not the same Alex Standall you were a year ago,” Zach joined in. “Maybe that’s because you’re now a better Alex Standall? Someone who wouldn’t let that happen again?”

Alex looked around him, at his friends, some of whom had been his friends from before, some who he’d never looked twice at back then but who he now realised were much better friends than the morons he’d been trying to impress back then. And he looked at himself in the mirror, saw himself through Zach’s eyes, finally didn’t hate what he saw, realising there was some truth in what he said.


End file.
